The patient of patience
Patience is something which I am being forced to learn now-a-days. Day and night, I am learning it the hard way. It is not as if there were no instances previously where I could have learnt patience; there were of course. But then queues at ticket counters could be broken and there are obvious ways of getting passport/license ahead of others. (At least until it’s Gandhi ji who is printed on Indian currency rather than his diminutive self proclaimed incarnation, Mr. Hazare).
But this time it’s different. I can’t break queue and even Gandhi ji isn’t helping here. In fact I am not pitted against human race at all in this patience learning experience. I am fighting with the biggest invention of this (or last?) century viz. INTERNET. Speed of internet in the area I live is ridiculously slow. It is so slow that while telling you, I have to get really shameless, really really shameless.
Say as shameless as our neighboring country which first kept on saying that no wanted men is on our land. And when the father of all wanted men popped up from their land only, they got into ultra shameless mode and said, “We never knew it”. Or say as shameless as Sreesanth of World cup final who did his best to let Sri Lankans pile up runs. But when India won, thanks to captain cool and crew, he didn’t let his face show even a sign of his miserable bowling. In fact in most of the trophy photos, he is right there holding it and grinning just like our great grand fathers (with tails of course) would have ever grinned.
So hold on your breath my dear friends, here I enter my Box of Shame and let you know that the speed of my internet is an astronomically, astonishedely 25Kbps!!
Okay, so tougher part is done. Phew..
And no no, I do not live in internet rays protected underground bunkers in the fear of a comet going around the earth only in search of me. I am not even dead in the judgment day as predicted by some preacher. I am still in this world and live in one of the most hustling-bustling residential area of the SILLICON VALLEY iself !! (Okay, the Indian one but still SILLICON VALLEY).
But doomed is this particular street where I live I exactly. Whole of the area has got high speed connectivity but for this street, telecom operator run out of optical fibres, ports, number of connections and what not. The famous mariners poem:
Water, water, every where,
And all the boards did shrink;
Water, water, every where,
Nor any drop to drink.
Becomes following in my case :
Internet, internet , every where,
And all torrents do download in full bloom
Internet, internet, every where,
Nor any flash/HD/3D content to open
At the end I am left with no option save reassuring and encouraging myself to learn the art of patience.
In fact my dreams echo the same and try to teach the importance of being patient. Some of those are worth of a mention actually:
- Mr. Newton comes up and says “Son, do not worry. I also waited for long before the apple fell. You too will get high internet speed and will be able to surf fast.”
- And as if to console me in the inability of not downloading movies fast, the Bollywood mother herself come up and says :
- Even the sprawling baba community also takes pity at my misery and appears in dreams to bless and preach
All these dream protagonists are once in a while visitors and are fine, cool. But the situation gets really emotional when even the regular dream protagonist comes up and tries to teach the same.
Especially when the modern form of East India Company, directly coming from London, with an intention of ruling over Indians; the Sheila of our times doesn’t do a Shelia, rather do a Mango Slice. Arrrrghhhhh…………………
…. Bas yehi sach, baki sab farzi hai.
Consider this: You are the owner of a magical glass flask which holds a genie. This is a special type of genie , it fulfills all your information wishes ,from information about Apple to Micromax ,Megan Fox to Sonakshi Sharma ,Modi to Sachin. But this genie believes in having fun. It spilled the beans and let others know what’s on your mind.
This is Google Zeitgeist 2010 unofficially.
Officially, it’s:
“Based on the aggregation of billions of search queries people typed into Google this year, Zeitgeist captures the spirit of 2010.”
Some of the India specific results are :
1. We Hummed Munni ,saw Sheila but googled Sonakshi
So Munni got no reward for getting badnaam. Sheila also was also in some illusion only of being chased as we Indians were actually busy in searching for Aruna shields and Sonakshi Sharma. These 2 were fastest rising people as per the results. And Salman khan wasn’t alone in running after Zarine, many Indians were with him. She ended up third in the category of fastest rising people.
2.In love with Indian railways
Trains forms an integral part of any Indian’s life. Results showed the same. IRCTC login page was the fastest rising search on Google.
3.QWERTY keypad, touchscreen ,GPS,emails ,apps ,torch
We want it all and that too in <5K .And that’s why we searched for Micromax. This low-cost, all-in-one mobile brand was the second in the list of fastest rising search.
4. One billion strong and still clueless about “how to get pregnant”
This phrase topped the category of most popular “How to”. We are definitely living amongst a highly inquisitive younger generation!
5. Go out, do some action.
Section of “How to” is really filled with some interesting searches. “Improve spoken English” at no. 4 seems very much in place. But “how to kiss” and “how to impress girls” at no. 2 and 3 steals the show. Perhaps people really believes that the noses gets stuck while kissing ,as shown in 3 idiots and are searching for the way out on Google.
6. Hence proved, Baba Ramdev was actively googling this year.
Searches for “Making money” and “Meditation” were consecutive in “How to” section, coming at position 9 and 10 respectively. Seems like maximum contribution came from Baba Ramdev’s side as he was trying to make maximum out of his meditation skills.
7. Apple’s fetish yet to hit us
Looks like Steve Jobs has got a lot of work left done as far as India is concerned. While iPhone 4 and iPads topped the list in US, in India Apple is at no.8th in the list of most searched brands. Nokia, Samsung and Airtel are the top 3.
8. Record record everywhere
Sachin tendulkar sits at a pretty no. 8 in the list of most searched people. And is it some another record??
9.MIND IT ANNA : Riots and bloodshed could follow
Tough for Rajnee’s fans to digest ,but Endhiran wasn’t the most popular movie,it was a shocking second ! Can you believe, it was SECOND!!
10.Whoa! people still use orkut
Orkut seems to be still holding its ground in india. It came at no. 9 in the “Most popular” category. Topping the lists were songs ,Facebook and google.
11.Downloading is in our veins
We love downloading things for free. Entry of Zedge ,the site to download free ringtones/wallpapers confirms the same. It is in top 10 in fastest rising category.
12. The sports connection
As a cricket obsessed nation, entry of “cricket live scores” in a top 10 list comes as no surprise. But equally pleasing is the entry of “FIFA world cup” ,a non cricket sports entry. Lalit Modi was also googled a lot and he managed to beat Lady gaga , Sachin and Shakira !!
Some surprises:
Thos which could have been in top 10:
No CWG related term ,especially after such a high voltage drama around it in our country
Aamir khan ,although 3 idiots did make it through in the list of movies.
Land scams/Adarsh building scam/2 G scam are not there. But perhaps they got famous in the latter part of the year and so couldn’t manage a place in top 10
Why are they here ?? :
Kites is topping the list of most popular picture. Tough to digest!
Neha Sharma! Please don’t consider me an outdated oldie ,but this lady sits proudly at no. 5 in the list of fastest growing people and I never heard of her before.
How to gain weight: Please don’t Google, leave me a comment. I would tell you all the practical ways, and would be happy to donate some Kilos as well.
Bas yehi sach ,baki sab farzi hai. Read more…
Ae ji…O ji….2G
Why did you alotted 2G spectrum to RAJA without questioning him?
Madam ji ,you only asked me to do as per order of RAJA
Me?? When??
You asked me to follow every order of RAJA BABU :
I acted proactively and followed orders of everyone with RAJA in their name
Bas yehi sach ,baki sab farzi hai
CWG committee which has till now faced only insult and shame from across the globe
has allegedly taken steps which can benefit athletes. According to Mr. Aishmadi of
CWG committee ,they have done serious meetings ,in isolated areas so as to maintain
concentration and come out with really state-of-the-art solutions.For this ,they even took
the pain of flying to Hawaiian islands and conducts meetings in tranquil environments of beaches there.
“Our CWG committee office was nearby only ,we could have gone there itself.But to get the maximum out of our meetings ,we didn’t mind traveling so much extra. After all, we are public servants.” Mr. Aishmadi told.
The steps taken by CWG committee after this meeting are really exemplary, For example , a gang of dogs which somehow managed to enter CWG village is now being used for a special purpose ,rather then being shooed away.
It has been ensured that they always remain around athletes and their rooms ,mattress
etc. According to Mr.Phenyl of CWG committee, these dogs will go a long way in
maintaining the fitness of athletes. “It has been seen that these gora athletes, get faint
while training in our hot weather and don’t complete their daily fitness training. Now
,whenever these athletes will start to faint ,we will leave the dogs behind them. And
with such ferocious dogs running behind one’s ass, who will not run? In this way, we
will ensure that their training is never skipped.” Mr. Phenyl added.
In fact Mrs. Dhiila Fixit has also supported this step and said that “It will send a goodwill message across the whole world. It will prove that we are hospitable to everyone who comes to our CWG village, whether it’s an athlete or a dog.”
Another step to be implemented is the removal of all First Aid boxes from the village. When inquired about this, Mr. Aishmadi told that it has been done under a planned mission.”Removing first aid boxes will remove any trace of AIDS from the village.HIV Virus is very clever. It can come in any shape.We don’t want to take any chances.”, he said. But when asked ,what will be done in case of an accident if all first aid kits have been removed ,he replied back very confidently. “We have purchased special aircrafts to airlift athletes in case of an accident. They will be directly flown to their home country where they can get treatement and then will be airlifted back to CWG again.In this way ,they won’t feel homesick also”. These aircrafts have been stragetically named “white elephants” to convey their agility and usefulness.
Special arrangements have also been made for the diet of athletes. One of such steps will be the breeding of fishes in swimming pools meant for athletes training and contests. “Media has spread a lot of bad words about us without any proof. Our this step will instill confidence in athletes about their food”, Mr. Phenyl told. Under this step ,fishes will breed in the same pool which is meant for games .Athletes will see the fishes growing up daily in these pools .And when they will see the same fish on their dinner
plate ,they won’t have any doubt about the food quality.
With such innovative ideas being implmented ,we can finally trust the CWG commitee an wait for the games to start…with a bang.
Bas yehi sach ,baki sab farzi hai
The “SEC” factor
The Kickass Combo – 1
A Father and his Sin Son.
S: Father, I have heard that our country is lagging behind our neighbour in every field .My teacher says that they have got the real vision.Is it true?
F: Not at all Son. Who is giving you all these craps?This is all wrong.Give me some examples.
S: They are technically more stronger than us.A lot of companies have outsourced their work there. Isn’t?
F: That is wrong son. The skeleton of we Indians is “IT-formatted”. Even our timing is perfect. We get the work done even before our bosses back in US have got up for their shit. With their noodles stuffed bodies,they can never become tech-coolies which we are. Oh , yes but you can learn the technique of eating with chops from them.
S:No And what about Education?They are more educated than us.They have controlled their population and more percentage of their children go to school.
F: Ah, a misconception again. Lets take the example of English.We Indian blabber such a nice English that even Brits began to feel ashamed on themselves. See, the example:
S: Oh, Crap . But they have got the vision,father. They opened their markets for free trade much before than ours.And their future planning and implementation is better than ours.
F: Ho ho ho…. . Son, you are making me laugh now. The whole world knows about their vision. In India, we get such vision only after feasting for free in a wedding or while watching Ramu’s Phoonk series.
S: (Shacking furiously bu now) But you can’t ignore their excellence in sports. They are the all-time olympic champs.And this is no joke.
F: Who cares for Olympics ,son.Now,IPL is where the real fun is. It has got scandals,cheerleaders , money….. In fact the latest laptop I bought for you was due to IPL only. You remember, how everyone in that match seemed to have a butter finger. Image,
S: (Voice of utter desperation) What the Hell ! We are nowhere close to them in sports. Just see their big olympic bash. We can’t even think of that.
F: I knew that you would say this son. Just have a lok at our IPL 2010 closing ceremony.
S: (Humping..).. Show me ,show me…
F: See, the world famous , Oscar winner , our very own:
S: Aha, caught him!! See, he isn’t even singing. That’s fake!!. The Song is running in background!
F:See son, you are already getting affected by the “Punjabi wedding ” eye syndrome. The whole country can see him singing.Now, see,who’s next?
S: (Hallucinating by now) Whuuuu?
F: In Angelina flour, add pinch of J-LO. Mix well with Shakira sauce and put on flame until as hot as Halle and then serve with Pamela-nut chutney. What you get is Baasa bhath. Errr…I mean Basu.Her energy set stage on fire.
S: What ! Even burning of goatdungs give more energy than that.She is leaning, she can’t evn stand.Dance is a distant reality. (Ground under him now shaking with him)
F: Cool dowm son,cool down. Seems like dragon has overpowered you.The next performer will acquaint you with the reality. Earlier he was also in an illusion,but Bebo showed him the reality. Come, see,he will show you the truth.
S: (A LULL BEFORE THE STORM) 
Tell me father, the name of person who is after this show.
F: Pyaar se,We call him “hamara modi”.
S: MODI, I AM COMING…..
IT ‘s must -1 (Adaptibility)
First in the series of what an IT guy can’t survive without.
The Normal guy :
Abnormal IT guy :
Bas yehi sach, baki sab farzi hain.
1. You have a farm of your own(who cares even if it’s virtual)
Okay kiddo,we know that you won the race from 25 million other chromosomes to grab that egg and made it to see the light of the day.But that didn’t guarantee you being born with a silver spoon in mouth(I mean being born neither in the house of the big fat indian politician nor to a zameenwallah landlord).
But thanks to internet,(http://www.facebook.com/FarmVille) you can have a farm of your own !And yes u can toil hard (obviously while clocking ur 9 hrs. in office) and grow all types of crops,livestock on it.Isn’t it amazing?
2. The 24 hr. “Breaking news channels”
Get all the news you always wanted to extend those tea breaks at your office -
“Yeh hari hari cheez kya hai?”
“Alien ka video”
GOD has taken birth in 21st century.
Aliens sucking our cows, save them!! (Aliens sucked away the video from youtube also)
And biggest of all , the now (in)famous Large Hadron Collider fiasco of India TV. Amit Varma also has something to say about it here : http://indiauncut.com/iublog/article/the-end-of-the-world/
3. Smoking is no more injurious to health
Bid goodbye to all those crappy talks, trying to convince you to kick your butt.Latest pic by govt. on cigarette pack has removed all myths about its bad effects.
This is the logo which is shown on cigarette pack. And what I really thought when I first saw this pic:
1. Since smoking is so good for your health, the mullahas have forced all burqa clad beauties to take it once per hour.And thats what two burqa clad beauties are doing here in this pic.
2.Since, cigarettes sells much more than anything else,our relly efficient Intelligence dept. has put the secretly taken pics of suspect on the packet of fag.Now, anybody can spot them easily.Really??
But one of my friend told me that they meant to show a pair of lungs , consumed by the smoke.What a pervet idiot,always misinterpret the things.
4. Emotional atyachar-
Bard said that “The course of true love never did run smooth.Love is a devil”.
So, while love is always devil, just to confirm if yours is not an exception, call the agents of “Emotional Atyachar” .
Guarantee, our forefathers never had this luxury.
5. Eating chocolate without guilt
We (I mean all those size 0 obsessed gals ) have a really good reason to eat chocolate
And all credit goes to the mystic AXE deodrant and it’s yummy chocoloate man.
6.Fair and handsome -
All those brown/black bastards or those yellow mongrels who were living in deep depression since time immortial , finally have a reason to be happy.
Afterall it’s the reason behind the fair skin of SRK himself!
6. The torrent age
Hardcore buff of Movie/Songs/Series. But equally cash stripped to purchase any thing of it legally(or if your iman doesn’t allows to do so).
Don’t worry, you filthy downloaders, internet and it’s vast resources at your rescue. Mine favourite : here,here ,here……..
7. No nasty incurable diseses will ever kill you
Because for sure, before some disease cath you and you die miserly,you would have either be:
#Killed by a terroist who jumped from a parachute with a “Your neighbour rocks” tagged rocket launcher.Or,
# You would have believed a fireman and jumped frm the seventh floor of a burning building. (http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/city/bangalore/9-die-in-Bangalore-highrise-fire/articleshow/5609314.cms)
9.Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar
All those who saw that double bonanza spinning frm his bat would definitely attain Nirvana and their souls rest in heaven.
And for the rest ……….
10. The family
It’s the right time to be on earth , under the sun because otherwise u would have missed ur dear family and frns.
So, yippie, your timing is just perfect.
Look INSIDE, you will find the solution ;)
Google turns EVIL!!
Google is in news again.But this time in bad light.
It has broken has Don’t be evil” motto!
And it has done evil to no less than it’s GODFATHER , the World Wide Web (WWW). It has refused to recognize the WWW.No body is able to understang this peculiar behaviour of big G.
And to ensure that WWW is completely washed out , it has banned the search also!!!!
See, with your eyes, if you don’t believe me:
And how could M$ , don’t act monkey and do the same.
Bas yehi sach, baki sab farzi hai.
